On March 30, 1990 I was a young boy in a crowded dark movie theater. I remember sitting in the back row and barely being able to see the screen as I peered between the people in front of me. It was a late showing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My brother and I had begged my parents to go see the live-action adaptation of our favorite cartoon the day it opened. We had Turtle toys, lunch boxes, t-shirts, and of course, Halloween costumes. We were ecstatic to see the heroes in a half-shell up on the big screen. Fast forward 24 years later. TMNT has been living under the entertainment grid since their hit cartoon ended in the mid-1990's. They've had several more cartoons, a 2007 CGI film, and a new ongoing comic book that I read and quite enjoy.
Last night I went to my local cinema to see the Turtles re-imagined for a new generation. Michael Bay may have only produced the film, but his finger prints are all over it. From the slow motion action to the Turtles the size of cars, who really cares if another name is credited as director. This film first exploded in controversy a while back when it was rumored that the Turtles would be aliens and not mutants. Fans like myself took to the internet in protest. Then, the addition of Megan Fox as April O'Neil did not help our expectations. I went into this film thinking the worst but hoping to be surprised. The surprise never came.
April O'Neil is a small time news reporter who wants to be more; kind of like Fox's career. Her late father was also a scientist who experimented on four turtles and a rat. April soon discovers that the turtles and the rat had grown, learned ninjutsu, and were trying to protect this city from the criminal organization known as the Foot Clan. The Foot are led by a man named Shredder, who wants to unleash a deadly virus upon New York, but needs the Turtles blood for the antidote. It's up to Leo, Raph, Donnie, Mikey to protect New York, and each other, from Shredder.
Well, let's start with the obvious. Megan Fox is a horrible actress. The only reason she seemed decent in Transformers is because she was half-naked. Her performance is so wooden I felt like it would have been better if she was computer animated as well. Her co-star, Will Arnett, was a shameful waste. I love Arnett, but his character was just some other human for April and the Turtles to talk too with no real purpose.
Master Splinter looked different in this film from other versions. I honestly had no problem with the way he looked. In the 1987 cartoon Splinter was Hamato Yoshi who had turned into a rat. In the 1990 film he was a rat that was owned by Oroku Saki. And in the 2012 comic book series he was Hamato Yoshi in a past life. In this film there is no Hamato Yoshi. Splinter isn't even Japanese. He has no connection to Shredder, and in doing so this film lost a good chunk of the TMNT myth. But the worst thing about this Splinter is that he teaches the Turtles ninjutsu from a book he found in the sewer. It's like he taught them 'Ninjutsu for Dummies' instead of passing on a lifetime of knowledge and training. As for the Shredder? More like Megatron with knifes.
Now, to the Turtles. They actually looked cool. At first I wasn't a fan of their size, but I was fine with it after the movie started, and I could see that if the Turtles are over six feet tall then you have to make Shredder eight feet tall. I get it. But I felt like the film went out of its way to make them too different looking. Donatello is the only one with glasses, even though I'm sure all their genes are the same. It's as if they thought we couldn't tell he was the smart one without glasses. Every word out of Michelangelo's mouth was a joke, and a bad one at that. And for some reason Raphael had a toothpick in his mouth THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Seriously, even in fight scenes he has a toothpick in his mouth. Like that was the missing piece to let everyone know he's tough.
This film is full of plot holes and ridiculous dialogue! "They are called the Foot Clan because they step on everything". OH COME ON. "You're father took less bullets." "You killed my father?" DIDN'T HE JUST IMPLY THAT. There were also forced references like "heroes in a half-shell' and "cowabunga" added to the film that only made this mockery worse.
I really wanted to like this movie, but the parts I like only adds up to maybe 15 minutes out of 116. Director Jonathan Liebesman and Michael Bay tried to make their Turtles so different they forgot the mythology and attitude that have made the Turtles beloved for generations. A sequel has already been green lit, but after a 19% on Rotten Tomatoes I can't seeing it doing well. I know this is supposed to be a kids film, but so are Pixar films, and adults love those movies more than kids. It is my hope that in another thirty years I can take my grand kids to see a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but done right. Until then I will always have Turtle Power.
Rating: F
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